After the initial sting of a breakup, taking time off to process your feelings and decide your next steps is no doubt helpful. But once you realize your ex is still the one, pining for them won’t be enough. Here are some tips to get your ex back.
The many songs, books, movies, and art depicting the pain of an ending relationship doesn’t feel real until you go through the same hurt. Breakups make you ache to the point that you’re not as functional as you were back when you were coupled up or single. It will take time for you to heal; in truth, there’s no textbook description of how long it takes to move on.
Or you may opt not to.
You don’t move on because you firmly believe your ex was the right person, the one who’ll be with you until the end.
What are some tips to get your ex back? For starters, there are a few things you must do on your own. You’ll go through a period of not contacting your ex, of self-reflection and improvement, of figuring out if going after them is what your heart truly desires.
If somehow you made it through still strongly feeling that your ex should be your beau again, it’s time to take action.
Gear up for Operation Get Your Ex Back by poring over this guide.
Tips to Get Your Ex Back: The Roadblocks
We wouldn’t be giving tips to get your ex back if it was easy, right? Which is why we believe it’s best if you know what roadblocks you’ll face on the way to win them back.
Getting past the whistling notes of Mariah Carey’s song of the same name is hard (an understatement, TBH), and so is an ex who’s still boiling with fury and negative emotions.
The healing process differs from person to person, and this is why you can’t fully expect your ex to bounce back higher weeks or months past your split.
There’s no easy way to say it, but a breakup drains a person. Your then-lover is in the middle of feeling angry, betrayed, hurt, sullen, and hopeless. You aren’t their favorite person at the moment, and that is if they still view you as one.
They’re at a different place
Yes, your ex immigrating somewhere else is a problem. It will take a different set of solutions to court them back.
But there’s also a different place, one that’s quite difficult to follow.
What if your ex firmly believes your breakup was all for the best? Yes, it also pains them, but they see your split as an opportunity. This is their chance to focus on themselves, to achieve their dreams, and live largely—all without being attached to someone else. This is their solitary sojourn; it’s something they have to do even once in their life.
They’re seeing someone else
Although your relationship didn’t end up over a third-party, your ex moving on with someone new is entirely plausible.
And yes, you may feel betrayed, “Why did my ex move on so fast?” Well, sweetie, the only reason is that you broke up. There’s no law prohibiting someone from diving into a new lover’s bed weeks or months after a breakup.
The silver lining, though, is that it’s rare for this new relationship to last. Chances are your ex-beau still did not process their emotions. They mask the hurt by filling in the void so you can say they’re not entirely in love. They’re only delaying the pain by telling themselves they can do it without you.
Getting past the hurdles
The roadblocks you may face are no joke, so toughen up and power through with these tips:
You were angry and in turmoil, too, so you should be able to relate why your ex is still not warming up to you.
Allow your ex to make sense of their emotions, no matter how long it takes.
Let them feel the anger, the betrayal, and hurt until these negative feelings disappear in a puff of smoke.
Give them space and time
Even a persistent telemarketer, who’s only doing his job, gets on your nerves. How much more if it’s your ex who’s hounding you for a second chance when you’re still trying to heal?
Don’t be this type of ex. Your urging may only prompt your former lover to rebuff or block you. So much for trying to win them back.
Be patient and give them all the space and time they may need. But so that they know, tell your ex you’ll be waiting for the time that they’re ready to talk with you again.
Back off and let them be
If there’s a new man or woman, it’s best if you back off.
No matter how convinced you may be that your ex will only regret their rebound relationship, let them be.
You mean well, but seeing how affected you become will only fuel your ex to dishearten you more.
It seems like the best way to get past the hurdles of your split is to become human. Be empathetic and sympathetic to your ex by affording them the chance to make sense of their emotions first.
Tips to Get Your Ex Back: The Baby Steps
What are the chances of your ex readily agreeing to your plea of getting back together? In truth, it depends.
If you’re a very lucky one (reveal your secret!), then your past lover may immediately sweep you off your feet and back to their arms.
But if you’re one of us unlucky ones, the chances are pretty slim. To be fair, you did take some time off to heal; your ex might have also endured some rough days because of your split.
So before you go knocking on their door demanding them to come back, here are some tips to get your ex back without blowing it off at the get-go:
Gather up some intel
It’s quite self-explanatory; you won’t be marching up to the battle or dating someone new without gathering some details first. You’ll have to know even the vaguest idea of what your ex has been up to before you resolve to get them back.
And for that, contact trusted mutual friends or their family members you grew close with throughout your relationship.
Choose an informant that will respect your request to keep your exchange private so that you don’t give off the wrong impression to your ex. Be sincere and tell them upfront you’re in a better place (emotionally and mentally), but you’re still in love and trying to get back with your old flame.
Ask them for some updates on how your ex has been. Does it seem like they’ll be open to talking with you anytime soon? Is he or she even in the country? Are they seeing someone new? Your next steps will heavily rely on the details you gathered after this meeting.
Make sure your ex is on the same page
So, you’ve healed and are ready to talk to your past lover again? Good for you! But did you ever consider the off chance that maybe your ex still doesn’t want to see you?
The first step before actively wooing your past lover is to make sure you’re both on the same page.
Your chat with a mutual friend or relative may help you form an idea of his or her current state of mind. Still, nothing beats asking the person involved directly.
Instead of visiting their home or workplace, contact them with a sincere text or DM. The former may mean you’re invading their space, which can do more harm than good if they’re still mad at you.
Also, when we say sincere, it means no mind games and manipulations of some sort. Get straight to the point. It’s a good idea if you let them know up front that you intend to see them, BUT, you won’t be pushy if they declined.
Some sample text messages you may use to contact your ex are:
Other variations of this message include congratulating your ex for an achievement you know they’ve been putting their heart and soul into. It won’t even hurt if you suggested to treat them, because which hardworking individual doesn’t deserve a freebie every now and then?
The above also works in times of intense stress or grief. Of course, you wouldn’t want anything bad to befall your ex. Still, letting them know you’ll come running if they need comfort or support warms the heart.
If you were in the wrong, you could also convey your apologies as a first text message. Chances are, your ex may be waiting to hear you say sorry. Let them know you’ll be thrilled to meet up, but you’ll understand if it’s too much too soon.
Setting up a date
Your ex agreeing to meet you is bound to get your hopes up. Yes, be happy about it. But, it would help if you kept your expectations grounded. Treat the date for what it is: a chance to catch up or a treat for a colleague.
What we’re saying is that don’t entertain the notion you’re getting back together after just one date. Sad, but sometimes, this date may be the closure that your ex needs.
So, step up your game and make it a date you’re ex will always remember with fondness.
Instead of going to your usual spot, how about meeting somewhere you’ve both never been before?
Your favorite diner or cafe may be a place of good memories, but you already know how that ended. Catching up somewhere different is starting anew—no memories, no attachments.
Addressing the elephant in the room
No matter how hard you tiptoe around it, the fact remains that you’ve broken up. You have bones to pick with each other, and you shouldn’t delay it.
Now, how should you address the elephant in the room? By talking calmly and objectively about it. Before even bringing up your past issues, you’ll both have to agree that you’re ready to discuss it without arguing. Don’t attack your ex. If you feel the heat rising, quickly fan it down. Call for timeout and only resume once you are both calm and collected.
For your part, speak the truth and stick to the actual issues. When you were self-reflecting, you would’ve made a list of the traits you wished your partner worked out. Discuss how and why these traits affect you. Let your ex hear you out. And in true adult fashion, listen to your ex not because you want to be the correct one, but because you’re trying to understand them.
A healthy discussion between exes is possible and more comfortable if you keep the thought of getting back together at the back of your mind. Focus on one task, the rest will follow.
Bold ways to get your ex back
You already went out and had a great talk with your ex. You are friendly and even flirting with each other. So, you mustered the courage and carefully broached the topic of getting back together. What you didn’t see coming is their nonchalant smile; the way you see it, they’re still having doubts about rekindling your romance.
You are at your wit’s end. Is there anything else you can do? Any more tips to get your ex back? You are in luck. You can take bolder steps to impress and ultimately rekindle the spark.
Yes, yes, we know it sounds crazy, but hear us out. If your falling out was because of your inability to commit and get married, then maybe that is what your ex wants. They may not be sold on the idea of getting back together because they know you’ll still not want to tie the knot.
After self-reflecting and realizing that this man or woman is your end-game, then proposing won’t be a problem. You already know you won’t be able to spend your life with another; propose and show your ex that you are serious and you want them back in your life for good.
Don’t be afraid to see other people
It may appear manipulative, but seeing other people may be the break you need. Of course, we’re not encouraging you to make someone your rebound. Instead, you can go out on dates with new people to feel like yourself again—confident, attractive, and a total catch.
You can also gain new insights while meeting new people. And yes, the bonus is that it may make your ex jealous. They’ll get to see you in your element, which may be the needed push for them to realize that they can’t also live without you by their side.
Start with a clean slate
If you already used up all the tips to get your ex back to no avail, why don’t you stop continuing where you left off?
Start with a clean slate.
Let go of the past and your current hold on your ex. Unlearn your habits and quirks together and treat him or her as someone new.
You have both grown after the split, and there’s just too much to rediscover. So don’t hold on to the person as an ex. Start fresh and get to know them again.
To cap it off
Getting back with your ex is not an easy road to take, but hey, we can do it all for love.
You already know that moping and just wishing for your ex to appear on your doorstep and ask for you back is far-fetched. Your love won’t be enough to repair the damage of a breakup. Thus, you’ll have to strive to make the tips to get back with your ex work.
To rekindle the romance, you’ll need to give out effort, you have to understand them, and you will need to be patient in case the reconciliation is not as fast as you’d like.
But cheer up. Love is sweeter the second time around. You now know how hard it is to get your ex back—you’ll cherish the love even more once you’re back together.