After the initial sting of a breakup, taking time off to process your feelings and decide your next steps is no doubt helpful. But once you realize your ex is still the one, pining for them won’t be enough. Here are some tips to get your ex back.
The many songs, books, movies, and art depicting the pain of an ending relationship doesn’t feel real until you go through the same hurt. Breakups make you ache to the point that you’re not as functional as you were back when you were coupled up or single. It will take time for you to heal; in truth, there’s no textbook description of how long it takes to move on.
Or you may opt not to.
You don’t move on because you firmly believe your ex was the right person, the one who’ll be with you until the end.
What are some tips to get your ex back? For starters, there are a few things you must do on your own. You’ll go through a period of not contacting your ex, of self-reflection and improvement, of figuring out if going after them is what your heart truly desires.
If somehow you made it through still strongly feeling that your ex should be your beau again, it’s time to take action.
Gear up for Operation Get Your Ex Back by poring over this guide.
Tips to Get Your Ex Back: The Roadblocks
We wouldn’t be giving tips to get your ex back if it was easy, right? Which is why we believe it’s best if you know what roadblocks you’ll face on the way to win them back.
Getting past the whistling notes of Mariah Carey’s song of the same name is hard (an understatement, TBH), and so is an ex who’s still boiling with fury and negative emotions.
The healing process differs from person to person, and this is why you can’t fully expect your ex to bounce back higher weeks or months past your split.
There’s no easy way to say it, but a breakup drains a person. Your then-lover is in the middle of feeling angry, betrayed, hurt, sullen, and hopeless. You aren’t their favorite person at the moment, and that is if they still view you as one.
They’re at a different place
Yes, your ex immigrating somewhere else is a problem. It will take a different set of solutions to court them back.
But there’s also a different place, one that’s quite difficult to follow.
What if your ex firmly believes your breakup was all for the best? Yes, it also pains them, but they see your split as an opportunity. This is their chance to focus on themselves, to achieve their dreams, and live largely—all without being attached to someone else. This is their solitary sojourn; it’s something they have to do even once in their life.
They’re seeing someone else
Although your relationship didn’t end up over a third-party, your ex moving on with someone new is entirely plausible.
And yes, you may feel betrayed, “Why did my ex move on so fast?” Well, sweetie, the only reason is that you broke up. There’s no law prohibiting someone from diving into a new lover’s bed weeks or months after a breakup.
The silver lining, though, is that it’s rare for this new relationship to last. Chances are your ex-beau still did not process their emotions. They mask the hurt by filling in the void so you can say they’re not entirely in love. They’re only delaying the pain by telling themselves they can do it without you.
Getting past the hurdles
The roadblocks you may face are no joke, so toughen up and power through with these tips:
You were angry and in turmoil, too, so you should be able to relate why your ex is still not warming up to you.
Allow your ex to make sense of their emotions, no matter how long it takes.
Let them feel the anger, the betrayal, and hurt until these negative feelings disappear in a puff of smoke.
Give them space and time
Even a persistent telemarketer, who’s only doing his job, gets on your nerves. How much more if it’s your ex who’s hounding you for a second chance when you’re still trying to heal?
Don’t be this type of ex. Your urging may only prompt your former lover to rebuff or block you. So much for trying to win them back.
Be patient and give them all the space and time they may need. But so that they know, tell your ex you’ll be waiting for the time that they’re ready to talk with you again.
Back off and let them be
If there’s a new man or woman, it’s best if you back off.
No matter how convinced you may be that your ex will only regret their rebound relationship, let them be.
You mean well, but seeing how affected you become will only fuel your ex to dishearten you more.
It seems like the best way to get past the hurdles of your split is to become human. Be empathetic and sympathetic to your ex by affording them the chance to make sense of their emotions first.
Tips to Get Your Ex Back: The Baby Steps
What are the chances of your ex readily agreeing to your plea of getting back together? In truth, it depends.
If you’re a very lucky one (reveal your secret!), then your past lover may immediately sweep you off your feet and back to their arms.
But if you’re one of us unlucky ones, the chances are pretty slim. To be fair, you did take some time off to heal; your ex might have also endured some rough days because of your split.
So before you go knocking on their door demanding them to come back, here are some tips to get your ex back without blowing it off at the get-go:
Gather up some intel
It’s quite self-explanatory; you won’t be marching up to the battle or dating someone new without gathering some details first. You’ll have to know even the vaguest idea of what your ex has been up to before you resolve to get them back.
And for that, contact trusted mutual friends or their family members you grew close with throughout your relationship.
Choose an informant that will respect your request to keep your exchange private so that you don’t give off the wrong impression to your ex. Be sincere and tell them upfront you’re in a better place (emotionally and mentally), but you’re still in love and trying to get back with your old flame.
Ask them for some updates on how your ex has been. Does it seem like they’ll be open to talking with you anytime soon? Is he or she even in the country? Are they seeing someone new? Your next steps will heavily rely on the details you gathered after this meeting.
Make sure your ex is on the same page
So, you’ve healed and are ready to talk to your past lover again? Good for you! But did you ever consider the off chance that maybe your ex still doesn’t want to see you?
The first step before actively wooing your past lover is to make sure you’re both on the same page.
Your chat with a mutual friend or relative may help you form an idea of his or her current state of mind. Still, nothing beats asking the person involved directly.
Instead of visiting their home or workplace, contact them with a sincere text or DM. The former may mean you’re invading their space, which can do more harm than good if they’re still mad at you.
Also, when we say sincere, it means no mind games and manipulations of some sort. Get straight to the point. It’s a good idea if you let them know up front that you intend to see them, BUT, you won’t be pushy if they declined.
Some sample text messages you may use to contact your ex are:
Other variations of this message include congratulating your ex for an achievement you know they’ve been putting their heart and soul into. It won’t even hurt if you suggested to treat them, because which hardworking individual doesn’t deserve a freebie every now and then?
The above also works in times of intense stress or grief. Of course, you wouldn’t want anything bad to befall your ex. Still, letting them know you’ll come running if they need comfort or support warms the heart.
If you were in the wrong, you could also convey your apologies as a first text message. Chances are, your ex may be waiting to hear you say sorry. Let them know you’ll be thrilled to meet up, but you’ll understand if it’s too much too soon.
Setting up a date
Your ex agreeing to meet you is bound to get your hopes up. Yes, be happy about it. But, it would help if you kept your expectations grounded. Treat the date for what it is: a chance to catch up or a treat for a colleague.
What we’re saying is that don’t entertain the notion you’re getting back together after just one date. Sad, but sometimes, this date may be the closure that your ex needs.
So, step up your game and make it a date you’re ex will always remember with fondness.
Instead of going to your usual spot, how about meeting somewhere you’ve both never been before?
Your favorite diner or cafe may be a place of good memories, but you already know how that ended. Catching up somewhere different is starting anew—no memories, no attachments.
Addressing the elephant in the room
No matter how hard you tiptoe around it, the fact remains that you’ve broken up. You have bones to pick with each other, and you shouldn’t delay it.
Now, how should you address the elephant in the room? By talking calmly and objectively about it. Before even bringing up your past issues, you’ll both have to agree that you’re ready to discuss it without arguing. Don’t attack your ex. If you feel the heat rising, quickly fan it down. Call for timeout and only resume once you are both calm and collected.
For your part, speak the truth and stick to the actual issues. When you were self-reflecting, you would’ve made a list of the traits you wished your partner worked out. Discuss how and why these traits affect you. Let your ex hear you out. And in true adult fashion, listen to your ex not because you want to be the correct one, but because you’re trying to understand them.
A healthy discussion between exes is possible and more comfortable if you keep the thought of getting back together at the back of your mind. Focus on one task, the rest will follow.
Bold ways to get your ex back
You already went out and had a great talk with your ex. You are friendly and even flirting with each other. So, you mustered the courage and carefully broached the topic of getting back together. What you didn’t see coming is their nonchalant smile; the way you see it, they’re still having doubts about rekindling your romance.
You are at your wit’s end. Is there anything else you can do? Any more tips to get your ex back? You are in luck. You can take bolder steps to impress and ultimately rekindle the spark.
Yes, yes, we know it sounds crazy, but hear us out. If your falling out was because of your inability to commit and get married, then maybe that is what your ex wants. They may not be sold on the idea of getting back together because they know you’ll still not want to tie the knot.
After self-reflecting and realizing that this man or woman is your end-game, then proposing won’t be a problem. You already know you won’t be able to spend your life with another; propose and show your ex that you are serious and you want them back in your life for good.
Don’t be afraid to see other people
It may appear manipulative, but seeing other people may be the break you need. Of course, we’re not encouraging you to make someone your rebound. Instead, you can go out on dates with new people to feel like yourself again—confident, attractive, and a total catch.
You can also gain new insights while meeting new people. And yes, the bonus is that it may make your ex jealous. They’ll get to see you in your element, which may be the needed push for them to realize that they can’t also live without you by their side.
Start with a clean slate
If you already used up all the tips to get your ex back to no avail, why don’t you stop continuing where you left off?
Start with a clean slate.
Let go of the past and your current hold on your ex. Unlearn your habits and quirks together and treat him or her as someone new.
You have both grown after the split, and there’s just too much to rediscover. So don’t hold on to the person as an ex. Start fresh and get to know them again.
To cap it off
Getting back with your ex is not an easy road to take, but hey, we can do it all for love.
You already know that moping and just wishing for your ex to appear on your doorstep and ask for you back is far-fetched. Your love won’t be enough to repair the damage of a breakup. Thus, you’ll have to strive to make the tips to get back with your ex work.
To rekindle the romance, you’ll need to give out effort, you have to understand them, and you will need to be patient in case the reconciliation is not as fast as you’d like.
But cheer up. Love is sweeter the second time around. You now know how hard it is to get your ex back—you’ll cherish the love even more once you’re back together.
Almost always, you crave the intimacy and familiarity of an ex-lover. It’s a universal feeling; thus, we turn to everyone (and the Internet) to find ways to rekindle love. But before asking how to get your ex back, you’ll need to answer the why first.
If one were to categorize a breakup, there seems to be two. There’s the bittersweet kind where you mutually agree to end the relationship.
The other is a tricky curveball. Because you didn’t see it coming (and you didn’t expect that it’s your beloved who will be throwing it), there’s no way in hell that you would have dodged it—even at the last minute. As a result, the ball hit you right square to the face leaving you stunned and bleeding.
The first kind of breakup seems to allude that you had some time to process your feelings. But in truth, no amount of dilly-dallying can cushion the blow of an ending relationship. After all, losing your lover is like losing a limb. You got so used to being one-half of a whole; now, you have to relearn how to be just you again.
However, sometimes you consciously decide against moving on. You think he or she was the one, and like many others, you strive to get your ex back.
But wait, hold that thought. Did you know there are some things you have to do, on your own, before you can even dare to reignite the spark? Check out this to-do list first, before you set out and woo your ex.
So, why should you get your ex back?
We hate raining on your parade, but your love won’t be enough to drive your ex back into your arms. Why? Well, if it’s not because of a loveless relationship, then you wouldn’t have to break up in the first place.
You broke up for a reason (or more), so let’s unravel what these may be. Honest assessment and self-reflection go a long way towards healing and decisive actions.
It’s easier to reflect if you have guide questions; thus, grab a pen and paper or your handy smartphone.
Be candid and answer these questions until you exhausted your reasons:
Where did it go wrong?
Have you noticed how the question asks you about the relationship (it) and not the person (I, he, or she) involved? A breakup makes you vulnerable, and the barrage of negative emotions may remove your ability to think logically. In short, you play the blame game, which is not helpful at all.
Take your time and list down all the reasons that ultimately led to the end of your relationship. Also, include all the underlying issues you had aired out or kept private. Jot down the things you did that irked your partner, too.
Through this exercise, you become the detached third-person POV who coolly surveys what your relationship has become. Without the usual feelings of betrayal, anger, and hurt, you gain a different perspective and even identify the areas you could have worked improved.
Have I changed?
Go back to the list of things your partner complained about you. Now, before this becomes a pity party, remember to differentiate quirks from traits. If they hate your penchant for vintage clothes or your love of the great big outdoors, then know that the problem is not you.
But, if you blow your measly pay to buy clothes, then scrounge for your necessities, or if you continuously miss plans and obligations to travel and unwind, then your ex might be onto something. Your once-lover might be rebuking you for your own sake.
So, before you do as much as slide into their DMs, check to see if you have changed. Genuine change, mind you.
If you try to get back together without improvements, then you may find yourself locked in the same old patterns and arguments.
By the way, this exercise goes both ways.
Have they changed?
It takes two to tango, so you also have a list of negative traits you wish your partner will change.
How would you know what your ex has been up to? You may consider talking to mutual friends or their family members that you were close to. In communicating with these people, be candid and admit that you’ll be trying to get your ex back. That way, they’ll be more sympathetic and will even try to help you make sense of the situation if there’s no change at all.
It’s best if your ex doesn’t get the wrong idea (something along the lines that you’re pining for them), so choose a friend or relative whom you know will respect your wish for secrecy.
Is it worth the hassle?
You don’t need us to tell you that the road to get your ex back is long and winding. Pause and ask if this is what your heart desires. Be honest about your commitment now, rather than invest your time and energy only to chicken out at the last minute. You don’t want to subject yourself to another round of pain, do you?
If you’re not so sure about your decision, you can try casually meeting up with new people. Be frank and tell your date you’re fresh out of a breakup. You aren’t looking for anything serious—just a little flirting and fun. Dating sites encouraging you to make new acquaintances can help you get started.
A breakup is never easy, but the decision (and necessary actions) making up entails is demanding, too. Make sure your heart is in the right place, and that your plans to get your ex back is for both of your sakes.
The No Contact Rule
Ask your friends, your parents, or the Internet: imposing the no contact rule after a breakup is considered the customary course of action.
As the name aptly suggests, it means no contacting your ex. Before the heydays of social media, this rule mostly dictates you don’t talk (if you see them), call, or text him or her. Now, it’s range grew to include the various functionalities of your social media accounts.
Sending a DM, viewing their stories, reacting and commenting on their posts are the basics, and if you had a pretty amicable split. Sometimes, people go the extra mile to unfollow, mute, or even block their ex on all social media platforms.
Now, if you cut off all access and points of contact, it usually means you’re far from entertaining the possibility of a rekindled romance. So, for this to-do list, let us assume that you only settled for not engaging in any contact; they can pretty much text or chat you if they wish.
Doesn’t it seem counterproductive?
It’s drilled in your head that communication is critical. This is why it seems that the no-contact rule is counterproductive to get your ex back.
But, did you know that choosing not to contact each other is already a form of communication? It sends the subtle message that you’re giving space, but you’re not completely shutting down the possibility of a renewed connection.
Other than this message, the no-contact rule also allows both parties to heal and work out their emotions first. Nothing good comes out of an angry mouth; it’s best if you initiate contact once you’re calm, collected, and confident.
Lastly, the no-contact rule works like a charm because absence makes the heart grow fonder. Imagine, your ex was the first person you ran to and vice versa. You had access to each other. The breakup and lack of communication will surely stir your ex-lover’s curiosity; they’ll miss you more and wonder what you’ve been up to.
How long is long?
For how long the radio-silence takes will depend on you, but it’s usually helpful to stick within a month or six. Reconnecting years after your last conversation is not unheard of; however, at this point, it seems like you already gave up the chances to get your ex back actively and left it all to fate: Que sera, sera, and all that.
Naturally, you’ll have a lot of spare time in your hands now that you’re single. While enacting the no-contact rule, you can use the time to improve yourself and be a graceful ex.
Perfecting the “Graceful Ex” Etiquette
Nobody wants to deal with an immature ex, the kind that stresses you out by continuously begging, hounding, and threatening their way to reverse your split. If you are this ex-type, then know that you effectively ended your chances. Your actions will only console them that the breakup was the right way. “Thank God, I dodged a bullet;” you’re that bullet, in case it wasn’t obvious.
It doesn’t take much to be a graceful ex. Stay dignified and be the person they’re most likely to label their biggest what if. How? You can be one in three steps:
Following your split, it’s only natural for people who knew about your relationship to ask why. A graceful ex won’t lie about what happened, what your ex did, and pretty much every reason that led to the breakup.
Whatever the reason, to gain sympathy or to paint your ex in a bad light, your lie will come to bite you in the ass.
Even if saying the truth is no guarantee you won’t get back together, do it. Your honesty shows that you respect your ex, yourself, and what you shared as lovers. Also, the foundation of every lasting relationship is trust. How can you love back an ex who just stabbed you in the back?
Don’t harass or stalk them
Sure, there is a fine line between harassment and stalking, but that doesn’t mean you have to tread lightly. Don’t walk either way.
Calling a few times an hour, leaving messages on their voicemail, visiting them at work—just a few examples of things to avoid. If the harassment moves into stalking territory, then you may be brought up on criminal charges. That’s not a good way to patch things up
You may have a lot of unanswered questions, but sweetie, you’re going to have to wait to ask them in the most appropriate time and place. Give you ex some space and yourself a chance to collect and compose your thoughts.
Don’t play the jealousy card
Ah yes, parading your new paramour in front of your ex’s face; a classic chick flick trope.
Don’t be deluded by Hollywood though; your ex may see through your scheme, call you out for it, and decide to move on because playing games with you is tiring.
Also, be fair. Don’t toy with another person’s emotions for your gain. As with lying, you’ll only reap what you sow; sometimes it comes tenfold.
To cap it off
To say that going through a breakup is painful will be an understatement. Even the mind cannot process the tangle of emotions that comes with your broken heart; the least the brain can do is to register the ache as a physical wound.
And like a physical wound, the pain may dull, but the repercussions of a broken heart last longer. Thus, you clamor to get your ex back.
But before you do so, it’s helpful if you make sure your heart and mind are in the right places.
Assess the what, why, and how’s of your relationship with level-headedness. Treat the time you spend apart as a chance to heal on your terms.
Improve; be the best version of yourself first, before presenting your heart to your ex-lover again.