That match looks promising. Then comes the awkward part: asking what they want without making the chat feel like a job interview. DatingAdvice.com breaks down 10 natural ways to ask, with wording for serious dating, casual connections, LGBTQ+ matches, and safer next steps.
1. DatingAdvice.com: Use a direct, respectful intentions check
DatingAdvice.com is an online dating and relationship advice publisher for singles who want clear, useful guidance. Its direct approach works best when you want to ask about dating goals without playing guessing games.
Try this: “I’ve enjoyed talking with you. What are you hoping to find on here?” Then share your own answer. “I’m open to meeting someone for a relationship, but I’d rather let things grow at a normal pace.” That second part matters. It makes the question feel like a two-way chat, not a test.
DatingAdvice.com also treats intentions as one part of the wider match process. You can use its online dating sites guide when you want to think about which kind of dating service fits your goals before you message.
Keep the tone calm. A direct question may save you time, but it can’t make someone give a clear or honest answer.
2. The Open-Ended Question: Invite more than a yes-or-no answer
Open-ended wording helps when you’re figuring out how to ask a dating app match what they are looking for. Skip “Are you looking for a relationship?” Try “What kind of connection would feel right for you right now?”
That question gives them room to say they want a partner, something casual, new friends, or time to see what happens. Ask one question, then respond to the answer. Don’t fire off five more prompts. Good chat feels like a tennis rally, not a survey.
A useful follow-up is, “What does that look like for you?” If they say they want something serious, ask what serious dating means to them. If they say they’re unsure, ask what they’ve enjoyed about meeting people lately. Their answer may be more useful than the label.
DatingAdvice.com recommends keeping your message honest and easy to answer. You don’t need a perfect line. You need a question that sounds like you.
3. The Casual-but-Clear Check-In: Ask without making it feel like an interview
This low-pressure check-in fits a chat that already has some warmth. It helps you ask what a match wants without making the whole exchange feel heavy.
Use: “I’m curious, what brought you to the app?” Or try, “Are you dating with a goal in mind, or seeing where things go?” Both lines sound natural because they ask about the person’s reason for being there.
One creator in the dating advice space suggests that playful conversation can make early messaging less tense. That’s useful, but don’t hide your own goal behind jokes. If you want a long-term relationship, say so when the moment feels right.
The catch is timing. Asking after two friendly messages can feel abrupt. Waiting until after several dates can leave you more invested than you meant to be. Aim for the middle.
4. The Profile-Based Question: Connect their answer to something they shared
A profile-based question makes it easier to ask what someone wants because it starts with something specific. Read the bio first. Then connect their interest to the kind of connection they may enjoy.
Try: “You mentioned loving weekend hikes. Are you hoping to meet someone who joins you, or are you mostly here to meet new people?” This works better than a cold “What are you looking for?” because it shows you paid attention.
You can also take a friendship-first route: “I’m open to romance, but I like building a good connection first. How do you usually like to get to know someone?” That wording leaves space for romance without assuming physical intimacy.
For more profile help, DatingAdvice.com’s dating profile examples for serious relationships can help you state your own goal before you ask about theirs.
Don’t overread a hobby. Someone who loves travel may want a partner, friends, or simple conversation. Ask instead of guessing.
5. The Playful Tacos-or-Sushi Prompt: Make the intentions question fun
A playful choice can open the door when a serious question feels too stiff. Try, “Quick question: tacos or sushi for a first date?” Then follow with, “And are you dating for fun, a relationship, or a bit of both?”
The food choice lowers the pressure. The second question brings the chat back to your goal. You can swap in coffee or cocktails, beach or mountains, or a quiet night or a busy weekend. Keep the choices light and easy to answer.
Be careful with coded language. Food words can carry sexual meanings in some online spaces, and you can’t assume what a match means. If the reply feels suggestive, ask plainly: “Do you mean that as a food choice, or are you saying something else?”
This approach is best for men seeking casual dating when the tone is already warm. It still needs respect. Playful does not mean pushy.
6. The Long-Term Relationship Question: Be transparent about serious dating
If you want a lasting relationship, say that clearly. You don’t need to discuss marriage in the first message, but you also shouldn’t pretend you only want something casual.
Try: “I’m dating with the hope of finding a long-term partner. I don’t need to rush, but I do want to be intentional. What are you hoping for?” That wording gives your match useful context before they answer.
You can make it softer with: “I’m interested in a relationship if we click. How are you approaching dating right now?” It leaves room for chemistry while still stating your aim.
People may use “serious” in different ways. Ask what it means to them. One person may mean exclusivity. Another may mean dating one person at a time. A clear follow-up prevents a vague label from doing too much work.
If your values or faith shape your dating goals, this dating service review is a useful example of how a dating service can focus on shared beliefs.
7. The Casual-Dating Question: State boundaries without turning sexual
Casual dating still needs clear words. If you want something short term, say so without making the first chat sexual.
Try: “I’m open to casual dating, but I still want respect, good communication, and a real first date. What about you?” This gives the other person a fair chance to agree, decline, or explain what casual means to them.
Early sexual messages can make people feel reduced to a body. A safer rule is to keep the first exchange human and let both people set the pace. If the match ignores your boundary, stop replying or unmatch.
Before meeting, consider a short video chat. Choose a public place for the first date. Tell a friend where you’ll be. For safety, avoid sending money to someone you met online.
Casual should mean clear, mutual, and pressure-free. It never means “anything goes.”
8. The Inclusive Wording Prompt: Ask LGBTQ+ and non-binary matches respectfully
Inclusive wording keeps the focus on the person instead of assuming gender roles or relationship scripts. Ask what they want, not what you think someone with their identity should want.
Try: “What kind of dating connection are you open to right now?” Or: “Are you looking for something casual, a relationship, friendship, or space to explore?” These options don’t force a match into a narrow answer.
Use the name and pronouns in the profile. If you’re unsure, ask once and move on. Don’t ask invasive questions about someone’s body, past, or transition unless they choose to bring those topics up.
You can also say, “I want to make sure I’m respectful. Is there anything you’d like me to know about how you date?” A good answer may be short. Respect that. The goal is comfort, not a personal interview.
9. The Timing Check: Bring up intentions after rapport, not at the last minute
The best time to ask what a match wants is usually after a little rapport, before plans become serious. You want enough context for the question to feel human, but not so much time that you feel trapped by silence.
Look for a natural opening. Maybe they ask why you joined the app. Maybe you’re talking about a past relationship. You can say, “That makes sense. I’m curious how you’re approaching dating now.”
Don’t treat timing advice as a fixed rule. Some people prefer to state their goals in the first few messages. Others need a short chat first. The key is to ask before a first meeting if the difference between casual and serious would change your choice.
After the answer, suggest a small next step. A short video call can help confirm the person is real. If you meet, choose a public place and keep your own transport plan.
10. The Answer-and-Next-Step Prompt: Respond when goals match or conflict
Asking what a match wants only helps if you know how to answer their reply. Start by thanking them for being clear, even when the answer isn’t what you hoped to hear.
If your goals match, say: “That sounds close to what I want. Would you like to keep chatting and plan a short coffee date?” Keep the next step small. A first meeting is a chance to check real-life comfort, not a promise.
If the goals differ, try: “Thanks for telling me. I’m looking for something more serious, so I don’t think we’re the right fit.” That is kinder than staying vague while hoping the other person changes.
If they say “I don’t know,” ask what they are open to now. You can continue if that answer works for you. You don’t have to accept uncertainty that makes you anxious.
Compare the 10 Ways to Ask a Dating App Match What They Want
Use the table below to pick a message that fits the mood. The best line is the one you can send without sounding like someone else.
| Approach | Best for | Sample wording | Watch out for |
|---|---|---|---|
| Direct intentions check | Clear goals | “What are you hoping to find here?” | Sounding like a test |
| Open-ended question | Deeper chat | “What kind of connection feels right?” | Asking too many questions |
| Casual check-in | Early rapport | “What brought you to the app?” | Hiding your own goal |
| Profile-based prompt | Personal replies | “Are you hoping to share that hobby with someone?” | Assuming what they want |
| Playful choice | Light conversation | “Tacos or sushi, and what kind of dating do you want?” | Coded sexual language |
| Long-term question | Serious dating | “I’m hoping for a lasting relationship. You?” | Rushing the outcome |
| Casual-dating question | Short-term dating | “I’m open to casual dating with respect. What about you?” | Turning sexual too soon |
| Inclusive wording | LGBTQ+ matches | “What kind of connection are you open to?” | Making assumptions |
| Timing check | Before a date | “How are you approaching dating now?” | Waiting until feelings grow |
| Next-step prompt | Mixed answers | “Does that fit what you want?” | Trying to change them |
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I ask a dating app match what they want?
Ask in a clear, open way: “What are you hoping to find on this app?” Then share your own answer. This makes the exchange mutual instead of putting your match under a spotlight. If the reply is vague, ask what they are open to right now rather than pressing for a label.
When should I ask what a dating app match is looking for?
Ask after a little rapport and before you make serious plans. A few friendly messages may be enough for some people, while others prefer more chat first. If the difference between casual dating and a relationship would affect your choice, bring it up before meeting.
How do I ask without sounding needy?
Use a calm question and avoid demanding certainty. “I’m curious how you’re approaching dating right now” sounds less intense than “Where is this going?” Share your own goal too. Someone who reacts badly to a respectful question may not be a good match for your communication style.
What if my match says they do not know what they want?
Ask what they are open to now, then decide if that works for you. “I’m still figuring it out” can mean honest uncertainty, low effort, or a wish to avoid commitment. Don’t try to decode it forever. Set a boundary and step back if the lack of clarity makes you uneasy.
How can I ask about casual dating without making it sexual?
State the kind of dating you want and add a boundary: “I’m open to something casual, but I still want respect and a real date. What about you?” Keep the first chat focused on shared interest and comfort. If the person pushes past your limits, end the conversation.
Start with the approach that sounds most like you, then ask one clear question and listen to the answer. If the goals fit, suggest a short public first date. If they don’t, thank the match for being honest and move on.
